7. A Husbands Emotional Intelligence Development at Home, through a Lesson from Dr Umar Johnson

"Turning Conflict into Opportunities for Growth: How to Lead Through Disagreement"

Description:
Most men avoid conflict—but real leaders know how to face it head-on and turn it into growth. In this episode of Call Me First: The Attitude of Men That Are Leaders, I reveal how to handle conflict in your household with strength and wisdom. You’ll learn why avoiding confrontation weakens your leadership and how resolving it the right way earns you respect.

I also feature a powerful clip from the Hardly Initiated podcast with Dr. Umar Johnson, who shares sharp insights on managing conflict without losing control.

What You'll Gain:

• Proven strategies to resolve family conflict without damaging trust
• Leadership tips for handling disagreements with strength and emotional control
• Practical steps to turn household tension into personal and relational growth

If you’re ready to stop running from conflict and start using it to become a stronger, more respected leader at home, this episode is for you.

Download, share, and subscribe so you never miss an episode. And remember to look at your family and say, Call Me First.

Transcript

 What's going on fellas? Welcome back to Call Me First. I'm your host, Damien Lewis, and this is a place where we dive into real life leadership, focusing on how we as men can lead our families and be the kind of leaders that our loved ones can count on. Today's episode is something that I think we all could relate to.

We're talking about conflict, those moments when things aren't going right and emotions are high. We've just gotta find a way to deal with it. But here's the twist. We are not just talking how to get through the arguments. We're talking about how to turn them into opportunities of growth. We've all been there.

It's no way we made it to where we made it to without a conflict or an argument. We are going to disagree on things with our family, with our friends, whoever it is, right? Let's say you're in the middle of a disagreement with someone that's close to you. Maybe it's your wife, your kids, or a close friend, and you're not sure of how to handle it.

You feel like your emotions are taken over. You just don't know how to actually get your. Point across without escalating the situation. I'm here to tell you that these moments don't have to be destructive. They can be moments where you show your leadership skills, where you learn about yourself, where you strengthen your relationships.

I can actually tell you a story right here, right? This was maybe six or seven weeks ago. I was here on this computer. I was actually doing prep for this podcast. I was so excited about it. I've been, I was doing prep for a couple of weeks, getting ready to figure out what I want to do as far as episode selection and how it was actually structured from the thing I was doing, my research, I was pretty much going off of questions that I had about growth and leadership.

What I'm actually doing, I'm doing the research for all of us. It is questions that all of us have. Some of us, we know how to find answers, some of us don't. So for the ones that don't know how to find the answers, I'm going to go find the answers for us. I'm gonna bring it back to us. Don't think I have all the answers.

I do not have all the answers. I am still learning here. Right. But anyway, back to the story about six, seven weeks ago, I'm prepping for this podcast. I'm locked in with it to the point that I started neglecting the people in the house. So that day as I'm here working on the computer, I did everything I had to do for that day and night.

You know, I'm going upstairs. My wife was already home from work and she was pretty much getting the kids ready for bed. I get upstairs and I can see that my wife is feeling a bit upset about something. So what I did was I said, what's going on, babe? She said, nothing. I said, Hmm, that don't look like nothing.

So I let it go for a little while, maybe about another half hour later she still, you know, I mean, still kind of upset about something. So I asked her again, babe, what's going on? Something is going on. She said, you gotta communicate more. I said, what's going on? She said, listen, I understand you're downstairs doing.

Whatever it is that you're doing, and I know it's important to you, but you still have us up here to come to, and I'm like, hold on. I'm thinking in my brain. I'm not saying anything. I'm letting her talk. Right? I'm not saying anything. And she says, if you're going to be doing that for hours at a time, I.

Knowing what our usual evening routine is, and you don't tell me, it throws me off. And when it throws me off, it gets in the way of things that I have to do. 'cause I'm prepared to sit down, eat dinner with you, do our normal watch tv, and do our normal conversation that we normally do. And if you don't communicate that with me, I'm sitting around waiting for you.

The child in me at that moment was furious that she said that. I didn't express it verbally or even physically. With a look on my face or anything like that, but inside of my head, I was actually furious about it because my thoughts were. That I am downstairs doing something that's gonna benefit all of us.

Why can't you see that? This is my thoughts. I'm not saying that out loud yet, right? Why can't you just see that this is benefiting all of us? I'm doing it for us. This is not the first time you did that. Every time you have a new project, you lock in and that's all you're focused on. I'm saying to myself like, so why is that a problem if it's a benefit?

But I'm not saying it out loud, Jack. The reason I'm not saying it out loud. It's because I am remembering a clip from the Harley initiated podcast where Dr. Omar Johnson was on there. He said this, I'm gonna put this clip in here for you. Right? You need humility. I gotta be humble enough to be quiet when she's wrong, to hear her out.

I gotta be humble enough to remain quiet while she's expressing. I. Her points about me. Everything she just said may be wrong. She may have accused me of all kind of things, but guess what? This is her truth in this moment. Let me shut the, let her say what she need to say when she's done reflective listening problem with us, because most of us was raised by women.

Mm-hmm. We get a little B, you see that? So when our queen get B, you wanna get B right back. That's not the behavior of a man. That's not masculine. Masculinity says she's in her pain. And because she's in her pain, I'm going to validate her even if she's incorrect, because I don't ever want her to feel that I don't understand where she coming from.

We get right into defense mode. Raised by single black mothers. We want to give her back the same energy she's given us. That's a gridlock. We don't move nowhere. Me remembering what Dr. Umar was saying in that moment with my wife, I had to validate what she was saying. She wasn't lying. I am locked in. I wasn't coming upstairs and I didn't communicate clearly with her what my intentions were, what I was actually doing.

So only thing she could do is only thing she had to go off of was the fact that we had a routine and I deviated from the routine and didn't communicate that with her. She was valid in her feelings. I let her finish saying what she had to say, and then I stepped in. I took the opportunity to explain to her exactly what I was doing, because she really didn't know all the aspects of what I was doing.

I. So I said to her, I said, babe, I totally understand that. I also want you to realize what I'm doing and I'm, I'm gonna tell you what I'm doing and maybe you weren't you, you just didn't notice it. Right? You said that every time I have something that I'm interested, that I'm locked into it and I don't really pay attention to anything else.

You're right about that. But that also tells you. That you married a man with a great work ethic. When I am focused on something, I'm going to complete it. I'm going to accomplish whatever my goal is at the time. I am sorry that it came at the expense of me missing out on time or not communicating with you, and I'll do better with that next time.

Now the next thing is. When I'm downstairs, I'm not downstairs wasting time. I'm not down here watching YouTube. I'm not playing video games or anything like that. I'm down here working and the things that I'm working on benefits all of us. So whether I'm working on my photography or anything else, it benefits all of us.

I said to her that, babe, the money that we make from our jobs. Takes care of the house, food and everything else, right? The extra money that we do have is coming from me being downstairs, working on whatever it is that we need to work on, the extra money that we may have to go on vacations. We may have to go out on certain nights or do some fun things or whatever it is.

Buy things for the house. If we need another tv, a couch, whatever it is, and we can afford the money up. My input of that money comes from me being downstairs. So all the things that we can afford outside of our paychecks, that's where that money comes from. I understand I gotta do better communicating, but I also want you to be mindful that that money, what I am working on downstairs, is money for us.

We all are going to benefit from it. Now her response that dad caught me off guard, I didn't think she was going to take it as smooth as she did. Her response was, well, I guess you may be right. I never thought about it like that, and she looked at me and she said, well, I appreciate the effort that you are putting in.

I didn't react to it though, but I was blown away because that wasn't the reaction I was expecting to get. I expecting to be a back and forth argument and attitudes and just some frustration going on. I think it didn't go that way. Because I validated her feelings. I let her know that what she is saying is accurate.

It was true. I validated her feelings. What I learned that day was as the man and the leader, I am actually in control of the tempo of what happens in the house. The tone I. The tempo with the direction of things, how it goes. I am in control of how that flows. The reason I'm saying that is the fact that I didn't react initially off of what the thoughts were in my head when she first said something.

I actually controlled the direction of where that discussion went. That was one of the most profound things to me. And the thing is I realized it right away because. That's not usually how things go when people are in an argument. When both people have valid, valid points that they wanna make, it's usually, I'm going to prove my point.

You're gonna prove my point. We are gonna go back and forth. We're gonna go back and forth. Nah. I controlled the tempo by validating her feelings and then explaining to her as a grown adult person that can actually communicate what was actually going on. That day I realized that I had a superpower that I never knew I had.

Lemme say, we can't control the tempo. Keep yourself in check and give her validation to say what she has to say, and then you can react in a way of response, but not a way of escalating the conflict. Right? So here's the big question. When conflicts do arise, do you lead through it or do you let these conflicts lead you?

Before we get into that, let's first take a look at what goes wrong when it comes to conflict, because believe me, if you don't understand the issues, it's hard to change them. Let's look at a common mistake that we make as men and why they usually make the situation worse. First thing is we avoid conflict.

A lot of us, we tend to avoid conflict. We just don't like the confrontation. We don't like the back and forth, right? I get it. Confrontation isn't fun. It's actually uncomfortable for a lot of people. Sometimes you'll rather just sweep things under the rug and hope they go away. But here's the truth, avoiding conflict never solves anything.

It delays. The problem, let's be real here. If you are always avoiding the tough conversations, you're showing your family that you don't have the courage to face tough things and they can't rely on you. When things get heated, they start to lose trust in your ability to lead. They don't have a choice.

You're not showing them anything. You know what I mean? And eventually your family might stop coming to you with their issues all, all together. They might wanna start handling things on their own, that's when the situation gets worse. Because we want our families to call us first. We have to be in a position that they trust us enough to come to us with their problems so we can actually guide them and give them solutions.

Right now that we are talking about solution, how about this, instead of running from conflict, why don't you learn how to lean into it? Yeah, it's uncomfortable at first, but that's how we grow. Conflict is a part of life. And if you want to lead well, you've gotta face it head on, bottom line. Now, number two, escalating the situation.

Not all of us avoid conflict. Some of us, when things do get heated, we escalate it, we get defensive, we start raising our voices, and we dive straight into the fight. It's like some of us were actually waiting for. We were ready for it. This is what we are into. This is what we do. This is our life. This is how we were raised.

Let's get over that role. We're too old to do things like that. We have a lot of us start having female tendencies in a way, and I'm not saying it to be disrespectful, but we are men, bro. We have to act more in a masculine way when we are dealing with our families, when we are dealing with our family, we're dealing our wives and kids.

We have to be in a more masculine situation where we're not really engaging into the fight. We're trying to diffuse the fight. This is what we do for the people that we love. We want to diffuse the fight. We don't want to engage into the fight. You know what I mean? There is a problem with that approach where you just want to fight all the time.

It's not about the argument anymore. It's about winning a fight. And when that happens, you forget the purpose of the conflict in the first place. You're not even trying to resolve the issue anymore. Instead, you're just competing to be right. This is especially dangerous when you're leading your family.

If your kids constantly see you raising your voice or arguing just to win, they'll think that's how they should move when they're trying to solve problems. And we both know that is not true. So how do we fix this? We stay calm. We lead with a clear mind and a focused attitude. We have to be the one who stays grounded in the conversation, not the one who gets swept away with emotions.

Number three, it's easy to feel attacked when someone disagrees with you, especially when it's someone that you care about. Make sure we keep it in consideration that this person actually loves us and they're not here to harm us. We have to make that a real place in our time when we are in disagreement because we start to think that this person is the enemy and they're not.

We are just in a disagreement. Some of us, we take it too personal. We take it too far. Let's get better at realizing that we are in a disagreement with someone that actually loves us, right? So it's a disagreement about a particular issue or or situation. And when you get caught up in defending your character instead of addressing the actual problem.

You start to build up walls and not bridges, you lose sight of the issue at hand, and all you're doing is making the conflict worse. Now, the fix step back instead of reacting emotionally, take a deep breath and remind yourself that the issue at hand is not an attack on you. It's an opportunity to find a solution.

It's not the world is against you. Let's fight. Let's, uh, I'm ready to go at it. It's not that, let's be adults here, communicate, find a solution. Arguments are gonna happen, disagreements are going to happen. Don't let it hang on for too long. And my main thing is remember that these people in your house, your family, it's love here.

It's no reason for you to go overboard. With your attacks or how you feel that someone is attacking you, be mindful that you love these people. These people love you. Number four, shutting down. Sometimes the best response to conflict is not responding at all, right? No, you're wrong. Shutting down emotionally or even physically withdrawing doesn't resolve anything.

If anything, it causes a situation to get worse and linger around. You might think that you're giving yourself time to cool down, but what you're doing is just avoiding the situation and you're not getting to a solution. And what does that teach your family? That when things get tough, you bail out. Is that what you want your children to really see?

I'm pretty sure that's not how you want them to be raised. Right? Instead of shutting down, why don't you try engaging calmly. Even if it's hard, even if you're angry or frustrated, keep the conversation going. I'm not saying that you have to be perfect in what you're saying, but you've gotta show up, especially when it's tough.

I want to take a moment to amplify those thoughts that we just looked at. Why does this matter? What is the impact if we continue to make these mistakes? Let's go back to avoiding conflict. When you avoid conflict over time, it creates distance. If you keep letting things go without addressing them, what you're doing is actually building resentment.

When you finally do take the time to address something after you've been avoiding it for a while. It's no longer just about the issue at hand. It's about the things that you have avoided by you not leading through conflict. You end up leading away from your family. They stop coming to you with issues.

They handle things their own way or worse. They shut down and stop talking to you all together. If we go back to where we spoke about escalating the situation, doing that will break trust. When you argue to win instead of to resolve, you create more conflict. You start to damage your relationship, and in the end, no one wins.

That's the problem with fighting to be right. It leads to misunderstandings. When you make every disagreement about your personal worth, you miss the point. Instead of focusing on the issue at hand, you are defending yourself. This leads to more anger, more frustration, and missed opportunities for a resolution.

Shutting down causes your family to feel neglected or dismissed. They may feel like their concerns don't even matter to you if you're constantly withdrawing. Through conversations, they'll learn that they can't count on you. When it comes time to resolve an issue, when things get tough, they just won't turn to you.

That is the total opposite of what call me first is now how do we turn conflict into growth? Is that even possible? Here's the good news. Conflict doesn't have to destroy or weaken the relationship. In fact, it could be one of the best opportunities of growth for you and your family. Let me give you five ways on how you can actually turn conflict into strength and opportunities of growth.

Number one, be present. When conflicts do arise, don't shut down or avoid the situation. Be present. They want you there. They want your input. They want your solutions. They want to see where you stand on the issue. Be present. Give them something to look forward to. When you guys are in the discussion, listen and engage.

I know this isn't easy when, especially when emotions are high. But if you want to lead your family through conflict, you have to show up and be open. I'm talking about listening without judgment, without interrupting, without immediately planning your counter attack. You need to listen to understand, not just to respond.

I spoke about this before in a previous episode when my wife and I had disagreements about certain spiritual ways of life. I had to listen and remind myself that her perspective is valuable, even if I don't see things the same way. I had to be present because I wasn't just dealing with an issue. I was dealing with her feelings.

And when you're present, it opens up the scale of productive dialogue. I hope that makes sense to you, right? Two, take responsibility. Leadership means being accountable even when it's tough. When conflicts do arise, it's easy to point fingers and point blame to the other person. But leadership means owning your part of the issue, even if you're not the one who started the argument.

It's a place of humility. We'll discuss that a little later. There's always something that you can take responsibility for. It really is. Maybe it's the way you reacted, maybe something that you said that wasn't helpful. I. Ownership is the key to resolving conflict. Here's a quote from one of the greatest philosophers that I ever had the pleasure of listening to, which is Jim Rohn.

The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude. Be kind, but not weak. Be bold, but not a bully. Be thoughtful, but not lazy. Be humble. I. But not timid. Be proud, but not arrogant. Have humor, but without folly. This quote perfectly captures the balance we need when it comes to conflict, responsibility, humility, and strength.

When you're in a relationship, humility is a part of the game. I. It is one of the things that you have to master and accept that it's happening and it's not humility, like you're getting embarrassed by somebody outside. This is something that you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. So as far as humility goes, it's not embarrassment.

It's you being in a place of saying that I could go harder on this, but I'm not. I'm going to step down off of the pedestal. And just go with the flow. Someone once said this to me. You don't have to show up to every argument that you're invited to. It's not saying that you don't have to be present. What it's saying is you don't have to engage in arguing.

You can engage in problem solving. You're still present, but you're not arguing. So remember that You don't have to show up to every argument that you're invited to. Now number three, stay calm. Lead with your values. I've said this before and I say it again. You cannot lead others unless you lead yourself first.

Conflict will test your patience in your ability to stay grounded. You are going to get challenged with conflict. You're not gonna be perfect on day one. You're not gonna be perfect day 10. You're not gonna be perfect day a hundred as long as you're working on it and the progress that you are making can be seen, you are on the right track.

Whatever conflict that you're trying to resolve, don't let the heat of the moment control you. You control your emotions. Lead with your values, even when things aren't going your way. Number four, seek solutions, not victories. It's not about the win against your partner, it's the win against the problem.

If both people can walk away from the disagreement, at least feeling validated, at least feeling like they were able to express themselves constructively and. To get whatever it is off of their chest. A lot of times, even if you guys don't agree on whatever the the situation is, you still wanna make each other feel validated, feel important, feel like their point was received in every conflict.

I want you to ask yourself, what are we trying to accomplish here? The answer should be to win, right? Nah, it should be to resolve the issue, move forward and find a solution that works for everyone involved. A lot of times we get wrapped up in our egos and we forget that conflict is about finding a common ground.

Not proving our points. Here's an example. In my marriage, we are working on things like this instead of fighting to prove who was right. How about we work towards understanding each other's perspective And what that does it, it gives us a place that. We both feel respected. We didn't have to actually agree on everything, but we worked to find a solution that actually honored both of our perspectives.

Number five, teach through conflict. You've got an incredible opportunity here to teach your family through conflict. Your kids, your spouse, every one of your circle is watching you. How you handle conflict will set the tone for how they will handle conflict. When you handle conflict with grace and maturity, you are showing your family how to do the same, and that is leadership at its core.

Now let's grab a couple things that we can actually work on, and I want you guys to work on these things just moving forward, just life period. I want you to work on with your wife the next time you're in a disagreement with your spouse. Instead of raising your voice, I want you to take a deep breath.

And listen to your wife, understand what she's saying, try to put yourself in her shoes and to see if what she's saying is accurate. Could it be true? Or maybe she's misunderstanding something and you try your best as calm as you can to get her to understand if that is the case. I want you to make sure you're listening to what she's saying and try to validate her feelings by you listening and just being present.

She could be wrong. Like Dr. Wilmer said she could be a hundred percent wrong. What I want you guys to do is to give her the grace of letting her get through her thoughts, give her the grace of letting her get through her thoughts. Now with your kids, when your kids get upset, I don't want you to dismiss their feelings.

I want you to ask questions like this, what made you feel this way, and how could we fix this? It shows them that conflict is about resolution, not retaliation. Well, that is all I have for you guys today. I hope you're welcome with some practical tools that could turn conflict into a growth opportunity.

Remember, conflict doesn't have to break you. It can build you. If you handle it with the right mindset, lead through it, not away from it. And as always, if you found value in today's episode, share it with someone who needs to hear this. Let's build a community of men who lead their families with honor and respect.

Keep growing, keep leading, and remember to look at your family and say, call me first.